I haven't been around PC in a while. I'm not sure why, just a lot going on I guess. And I was feeling pretty good once school ended so I was trying to concentrate on maintaining that mood. Now that I'm done school, really DONE, I feel so much lighter. I just want to put the whole thing behind me and get on with my life, and that's what I intend to do. I feel free for the first time in four years.

But yesterday something happened. The short version of this is that my aunt left her good-for-nothing husband a few months ago (this isn't the first time she's left, but it's the first time she's stayed away, and they sold their house and filed the divorce papers so it's for real this time). She's taken up with another man, who we met recently and seemed really nice, and they've gotten a house together, but it turns out he's not the great guy he seems to be either. I feel bad for her because my aunt is a wonderful, hard-working woman and she's had a really rough life and she doesn't deserve any of the stuff that's come at her recently. Anyway, on top of that, I found out last night that early on in their marriage, my grandfather had an affair. I also found out that he never pulled his weight, he refused to lift a finger where his children were concerned, and he made it impossible financially for my grandmother to leave him even though she tried (not to mention that divorce wasn't common for their generation). I knew things weren't always great for my grandparents but I didn't know they were THAT bad. Anyway, hearing about my grandmother, my aunt, as well as a couple of other relatives of mine in similar positions has really triggered me, I think. I've been feeling so terrible for them, feeling angry with my grandfather and then feeling guilty for being angry with him because he's my grandfather, that I think I'm in a bit of emotional overload. I'm just so upset that such good people in my family could be treated so poorly; none of them deserved it, and none of them seemed able to get away without severe consequences. It's just unfair, and it makes me so angry, and it also makes me feel helpless because it's not like I can do anything to help. It's not even really my business.

I felt so good at the start of this week. I'm at home with my family. I'm looking at jobs and thinking about moving out and getting my own apartment and starting out fresh. And now this, and I just want to scream or cry or throw something because of my relatives' problems. I love them and I don't want them to hurt, but there's nothing I can do, and that helplessness is hurting me. I was thinking that maybe I could get away from the depression once I was away from school but it seems like the slightest upset and I start to re-descend into the blackness. How am I ever going to get on with my life when other people's problems seem to have as much of an emotional impact on me as my own? This isn't normal, is it? I'm not saying I don't think I should care, I just wish I could care without being overwhelmed.