Quote:
Originally Posted by SoupDragon
Hi again C&B - the only place that feels safe to be for me is at work - although I do not feel I am functioning optimally there, it is at least something I can focus on to some extent and as no-one there knows how I feel inside, I can sort of escape things for a while and pretend that things are different. Right now I'd give anything not to have to go to work this week, I am so tired and would love to just spend time in bed, but I know if I give in and do that, it will be so hard to ever get out of bed again and go into work. Also once I have been open with myboss etc. about my struggle, there will no longer be a need to hide it and I think that would given me the excuse to take more time off and lead to a downward spiral. Although it is hard, I do think we need to push on with daily life wherever possible. I too feel I am easliy forgotton, people may be sad for a while, ask themselves why they didn't do more, why they didn't notice, but life does nove on doesn't it? So for me it is not so much others that keep me going, but having a responsibility to my self and faith that things will get better. I bought 5 ducklings 2 weeks ago - they are really cute and at the moment a real reason to get out of bed as I feel responsible for them. Sometimes I wish I hadn't got them, particularly when I am feeling so tired, but I know they are good for me.
You suggest that your symptoms aren't severe - how severe would they need to be for you to re-evaluate this? Also what are the pros and cons for you about taking meds?
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Whoa, ducklings! Interesting pet choices
I'm without a pet. I'm pup sitting my aunt and uncle's 16year old jack russell at the moment though.He's too cute. But old, and doesn't play much anymore
But I still really like him.
It's the same with me. I'm responsible for myself- so I keep going. If I don't, I feel worse, because I feel more and more like a failure than normally. I need to finish. And I'm petrified of failing. PETRIFIED. I failed already and I went crazy. If I didnt already have plans when I found out, I would've been in bed. However, I ended up on vacation with 12 other people when I found out, and was not allowed to wallow.
When I came home though, I wallowed.
To me, seriously, it'd be when I lose functionality. When I CHOOSE bed over anything else.
When I feel like dying more than anything else, and when I lose good days.
At this point, I could still move on, I could still function. I could handle it, for the most part.
There are times when I'm distracted, but my good days outweigh the bad.
I keep feeling like I didn't try hard enough in therapy, and if I try hard enough, I could get over this, but I'm just lazy... Or I'm just comfortable with this. This defines me, and it's more comfortable to live with it... And I'm kind of afraid of who I'd be without it.
And what if the meds don't work? I'm not gonna keep fighting. ;\
Thank you so much SoupDragon for your replies.
My friends totally forget that I exist. No one gets in contact with me unless I message or call them first.
My point is, whether or not I'm in their lives or not, their lives would be totally the same... So I should spare myself the effort.