karrin imho you would benefit from calling your T, or pdoc, or a crisis line. IRL. i know pc has helped me express my feelings and it can for you too. i'm sure. do u feel comfortable in sharing what's going on? perhaps we can help as well. 
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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
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