Does one actually reach a point of true acceptance in this struggle? When you stop fighting, trying to be the person you once were and accept that you are now a new, albeit, damaged creature.

For years I would have moments of “the old me” where I thought I could accomplish things, have little fleeting moments of drive. Now, like reverse birth pangs, they are fewer, lighter, and further apart. Now when they do try to lift their nasty little heads, I squash them down – and try to accept the new me.

Yesterday I gifted my favorite business methodology book to a co-worker – it felt good! (I used to manage multiple departments & sit at meetings with co-workers with Masters Degrees, me-with just a high school diploma). I can no longer remember most of its tenants, and with my inability to articulate, no one would listen to my attempts to explain anything anyway. Now that I’ve experienced a breakdown at this job (including leave of absence), I look forward everyday to being released from employment. (they are inevitable you know, once people know you’re a mental). I keep my few personal belongings in one spot – ready to go. As other people move in and take over things that used to be my “job”, I try to control the initial outburst reaction, and feed them the information and knowledge I have. Try to busy myself with the entry level tasks they have given me, and just be thankful for everyday I earn a $. (Being I’m the main breadwinner in the house).

It takes all I have to get up in the morning & drag myself to work. Usually cry my way in. Then pull my act together (it’s a 1 ½ hour drive) and make it thru the day. Then I cry myself home, exhausted, tied up in a ball (the all to familiar chest band, headache, trying to breathe routine). The house is a mess; my husband tries (and thanks heaven he cooks!). I eat and collapse for the evening. Saturday and Sunday are filled with bills, laundry, house straightening (I gave up on the word clean). I don’t really contribute much, and what I do takes all weekend. Then voila! It’s Monday AGAIN.

I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to work. My income this year was just a tad above 50% of what it was 12 years ago. I allowed my husband to refi the house and buy a motor home (used of course), he thinks it is so we can get out more (be good for me ). Actually, it’s so we have somewhere to live when we loose the house. See – I’m planning for the future!

Surprisingly, this ACCEPTANCE brings a sort of peace. It’s not like being in an episode with uncontrolled crying, uncontrolled emotions. It’s quieter.

It’s been over 10 years in the making, this acceptance thing. Is it uphill from here?