Okay… I have lived an okay life. But I have hated myself as long as I can remember. I always had this big problem. My own mind. I was afraid of everything. I had irrational fears. Like fears of dead people getting mad at me. Of God punishing me for something. Being stalked, being raped by the devil. Stuff like that. I finally told a doctor, and they put me on Paxil. After that, I saw a figure in my room that wasn’t there. Started hearing voices. Felt people reaching their hands into my pocket/touching me. I thought that I was the only real person in the world and that everyone else was fake. Everything seemed to lead me in the direction. Even stupid stuff. I started being mean and distrusting people. I got even more sensitive. I could hear voices in my head insulting me and saying the same word over and over again. I got really suicidal and started stabbing myself with pushpins and stuff. I felt like I was under extreme pressure. I felt unhappy all the time. I felt horrible. I thought about killing myself every moment of every day. I started cutting.
Then they put me on Abilify. The voices have (kind of) stopped. But I’m getting bad again. I hear them calling me a fake. And I can’t focus again. I feel depressed all the time. I want to die. I see no reason to keep on living. I have never been diagnosed with anything but OCD. Another thing is, I have an unnatural obsession with my weight and have considered not eating if I could get away with it. Is this really OCD?