LadyW...

I can relate to you so very well and I could hardly believe my eyes when I read your post because the work situation is exactly where I am now.

I have a Master's degree and have had many excellent jobs. The last two I had I just quit when the depression struck. I am now working with a great company but in an entry level position with no desire to go for promotion because the field is not even one I like or am suited for but I took it because I had to have a job.

I've been there two years now. It is a high-stress, major multi-tasking environment and most of the people that are hired are straight out of college. (I'm *ahem* of a certain age.) I could feel a depression coming on and did the same thing you described - cried on my way to work, struggled through the day, came home and dove into the bed...often not even eating dinner. Most of the weekend I slept and the things I needed to do kept piling up higher and deeper.

I finally had one stress too many this year and broke down. Instead of quitting this time I went out on short-term disability. I've never done that before and didn't know how it worked, so I asked my supervisor how to go about it so my bosses know I'm out with a depressive illness. I didn't know I didn't have to tell them why I was ill; in fact the first paperwork I received from the disability department said NOT to tell them. So, I messed up on that.

I thought I would be out of work maybe 2 weeks or so at the outset, not realizing how ill I really was, but my pdoc kept me out for 5 months!!! For awhile I think I got worse due to all the meds he kept trying for me with some ghastly side effects.

Now I'm back to the "numb" stage and still crying a lot and feeling over-medicated. However, the company max for short-term disability is 6 months. My pdoc cleared me to return to work a week from now with restrictions (only 4 hours for the first two weeks and doing only ONE task) and I'm in a panic!!!!!!

I'm in a no-win bind - I know I'm in absolutely no shape to return to that job and like you said, I'd always be just waiting for the axe to fall. (Except, I'm wondering if a company could get in big trouble for firing an employee due to mental health reasons especially when I have a good record there with nothing else they could use against me.)

I'm single so the only income. My two choices are (1) return to work and know I'll fall apart quickly and have to leave anyway or (2)don't return, submit my resignation and have to job hunt immediately, which I'm not up to either.

What happened to the person I used to be?

Well, I haven't been of much help, but I wanted you to know I'm there with you and pray for us (and everyone else here struggling) that we can somehow make it through.