I hope this is in the right forum, it seemed to be a little to explicit to put anywhere else.
I'm not even sure where to start… I wish my first topic in this community was about something else. Going through the forums, even reading the triggering topics.. Let's just say I have a lot of problems. There are some childhood memories that I would rather forget. In fact, for the most part everything I remember regarding this topic is hazy. I have ignored them and eventually forgotten them in the past, but it seems my memories are coming back, and making me feel disgusted with myself in the process. I'm going to try writing everything I remember, all of which are possibly triggering.
I can remember being sexually stimulated at a very young age. Before I could bathe by myself, my parents would bathe me. Sometimes I would take a bath with my older sister or younger brother. I remember after a bath with my brother, my dad dried me off, and when he got to my privates I enjoyed the feeling. I asked him to do it again and he said no but ended up doing it anyway.
When I was with my good friend T, we would play mommy and daddy games, and sometimes ended up making out. Her father walked in on us one time, and after that we never played those games. I was in first/ second grade.
I moved around a lot when I was younger. When I moved to south carolina in fourth grade, I made a couple friends and one really good friend. I remember sleeping over D's house, and one night she started to finger me through my clothes. I didn't really know what was going on so I sort of let it happen. She urged me to do the same to her, so I did.
At my birthday party, my friend D and L were over. We were in the pool and so was my little brother. We played truth or dare, and somehow ended up doing naughty things. One of my friends dared the other to kiss my little brother. Then I was dared to kiss my brother. I didn't know it was wrong.
There was a little boy, I forget his name, who randomly showed up at our house one day and asked to play with us. I didn't know him, and neither did my brother, but we decided to hang out anyways. I can't remember how often we would play together. I just remember being uncomfortable around him. One time he told me he was going to get me in bed one day, and that upset me a lot. I can't remember if he started chasing me or what, but I remember having to grab a stick from the tree I was climbing and hitting him with it, running inside and hiding and crying in my room. My mom was not happy at all when I told her. I think he tried to come back and play once, or a couple more times, but I didn't see him ever again.
Now to what I really am ashamed of. I really can't remember who initiated it, me or J. Basically we ended up having sex. It was consensual. I can't say how many times it has happened. It occurred for about three years, from age 10 to 13. I can't even describe how disgusted I am with myself… I feel like I've been abused, and an abuser.
I don't like being tickled because it invades my space and makes me feel like I'm a little kid again. I can't even imagine being close to someone, like hugging or kissing.
I don't want to deal with the memories, I wish I could forget completely. I know I need to bring this up with my psychologist, but I am really scared. I have an appointment with him in less than four hours. I don't know if I should bring it up or not.