one day about 8 or 9 years ago i realized that i had "lost my joy". and that is how i defined it. i knew, and had known for ages, that i was manic/depressive and could not get any help from doctors. finally a year ago i found a doctor who diagnosed me and i'm on the right meds. but i'm still hunting my joy. i used to be so light and competent and happy. now i'm thrilled if i have one good day. if i had two in a row....i don't know what i would do.

today is REALLY good because our so-called boss is off and we are such a good team when she is gone. we've gotten more done today than we get done in three days when she is at work. she affects me so much. i'm so glad that i have to go to school starting March 1 and will only work on saturdays...and i won't have to close. then i have to get a medical job and work in it for six months and i will be certified for a host of better jobs. i just have to hold on and try to make it through it.

i believe in myself, sometimes, and those days are really great! then something will happen and i just start the old drain swirl again. i want to photograph more and feel the joy of it. i'm working on posting more pics here because the comments make me feel valuable and like i'm achieving something. i still don't have the website thing going. i start and then i give up.

I WANT MY JOY BACK!!! EVERY DAY...NOT JUST MAYBE THREE OUT OF THE WEEK! XOXOX PAT