My therapist has been telling me for a year, that if I did not have so much anger directed at my husband, the daily responsibilities of taking care of him would not be so overwhelming and hard on me.

I told her she didn't know what she was talking about! I said that it would not matter one bit how I felt about my husband. That doing what I have to do for him would be emotionally and physically draining even if I was in a lovey dovey relationship.

My attitude affects how I feel. My feelings affect my emotions. My emotions can dictate how my body and mind react to stress. So, if my attitude is more of compassion (and not hatred) toward my husband, taking care of him will seem more of an act of kindess and love, and not of resentment and entrapment.

We have had some rocky roads to travel on in our marriage, but then everyone does, don't they? I can't go off into fairyland and think that just because we are having a few good weeks that my life will miraculously change and I will be dancing around his room taking care of his personal (messy) needs. That would just put me right back into being a mental nut case.

What I can do is embrace this period of time where I do not feel so much anger toward him because I feel stuck in this life. I can take it one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time.

You know what? In life we all have our struggles. We all have issues that need to be worked on. Not everyone faces the same trials, but we all have to get through them the same way. We first have to accept (the best we can), that whatever is going on, is not going to magically disappear if we close our eyes and try to sleep it away. I tried and it didn't work!

Then we have to make a plan as to how we are going to handle it. We can't just hide away in a closet and cry in a pillow thinking that when we come out, our lives will be completely changed into what we often dream they will be. Yes, I have done this also.

And, we can't take the anger and frustration out on ourselves or our families. We have to work every minute of every day to keep our emotions in check. I have taken my anger out on myself (SI) and my family many times. I have screamed at them and wanted to run away. Get in my car and drive as far away from this as I can. But, I can't.

I have no idea where this is going. But I do know that forgivenvess is healing. I hate admitting that. I have argued with my therapist over and over and over about this. Many times I thought she was a quack to be telling me that if I learn to forgive myself and others, I will find that my life will become easier for me to handle.

Just having the tension broken around here (in my home) makes me feel like I have lost 100 pounds! Of course, I haven't, but I don't feel like I am suffocating under the pressure. We still have terrible, horrible days. I still have to do things that I don't like to do for him. But, I am doing them and not feeling so much anger when I am.

I don't know if this is a temporary phase of insanity that I am in because I snapped under the pressure, or if true healing and forgiveness is really taking place. All I can do is go along for the ride and hope that I won't be going in circles. I hope that I have jumped track and I am headed in a totally different direction. Looking at the future with hope, instead of fear.