I am so sorry your are in such pain. I know when this has happened to me, I focus on the promise I made to my T, and know that for right now I am not okay, but even though it feels it will always feel that way, I keep my focus on my promise, and I would never want to hurt someone as bad as I am hurting right at that moment, no I would not want that on anyone, because people care, especially ones that care for us as we heal. I don't know if that helps you in that dark place, but its something that I have clung to utterly, until I climbed out of the abyss.