I had such a hard day.

I finally pulled myself together to go to my 12 step meeting. I STARTED CRYING there and got all of this love and attention which is so so so so so so so uncomfortable for me. I knew so much that people do love me and that they wanted to help but being in the spotlight is not a comfy place for me. I think I hid a lot.

I left a message for T asking for referrals to P-Docs. I remember that last time at this year I was in kind of a similar place, and I do think there is something very triggering about this week for me...and I know what it IS but I can't speak it. Last year during this week I pulled down all of the wallpaper in our "school" room and repainted. This week, I'm doing the same thing in my boys' bathroom and my oldest son's room. So not normal behavior for me, but I have to do something, and I don't know what else to do.

I feel like I'm spiraling down and barely hanging on. I looked into an intensive outpatient program today, but I don't know how I can do it with no one to watch my kids. I literally can't even go away for a weekend, you know? It's just how things are.

I see T on Wednesday and then he goes on vacation and here I am.

I just feel like I suck for not being able to support and for just complaining and needing but I don't know where else to PUT this stuff.

I'm sorry. And I really do appreciate people who are listening.

I'm really scared this is all going to come to a head. I'm going to say the words out loud and I don't know what's going to happen. I'm afraid kicking at T was the least of it, you know? It's not about T, at all. But it's so scary. So so scary.