I'm sorry I'm not reading or replying much right now.

I'm going in tomorrow morning for a procedure that is so hugely triggering I can't even really let myself think about it.

I saw T today and just sat there and cried a lot of the time. She told me it's okay to feel it, to just let it wash over me. She told me I'm safe there, and she asked me to let her carry some of the pain for me. She said she cares about me and she wants to hear all about what's going on, that it's not too gross or too nasty (my words) and that she wants to know.

She thanked me for choosing to share my story with her.

When I left she asked if she could hug me and I held onto her and cried and told her "I'm so scared" and she just hugged me harder and said she knows I'm scared and that it won't always be like this and she told me over and over that I'll be okay. She told me to call her tomorrow and let her know what's going on.

I sent her a text a few hours later, thanking her for being there. I told her that I'm hanging on really hard to the things she said today. I asked her not to drop me, and said I'm so scared I can hardly breathe.

She wrote back and said she didn't carry me this far to drop me now, and she said I can breathe and I need to remind myself of that.