I'm not sure, Sannah. I have trouble identifying my feelings and motivations. I'm confused about it all. I've been busy this week so have not thought about T as much as usual, but I know the feelings are there. I have my session tomorrow.

Do I use fantasy so I can be in control? If that means I can make it how I want it, yes! I was depressed last week because my T "shattered my dreams". That means I again realized that she can't and won't be "everything" to me. Of course, intellectually I know that, and I want to stop this pattern I've had my whole life, but without a T or someone to "have that with", I feel like I might as well die. Those are my FEELINGS; I don't really want to die.

My T satisfies a lot of my feelings for love. It's hard to accept because the reality of the relationship gets in the way. But if I let her "love" in, I feel better. It's when I try to start "figuring it out", which she doesn't want me to do, is when I get in trouble. She WANTS to give me some of what I need, and I let that happen when I hold her hand. But last week she came on strong about ME being there for my little parts so I panicked. She said she will be there with me so I don't know why I'm panicking about it.

I think that tomorrow I will tell her that I have to draw myself in the heart where I drew her with my "child part", even though I don't want to. I HAVE to learn how to take care of her because it hurts too much to know my T won't always be there. I need to do both. Accept my T's caring/love for me, and learn how to give it to myself.