Why is life so hard? Why is that when I get up to the point where I'm actually happy that something happens and I'm right back where I started?

Moving into residence this past September was HORRIBLY DIFFICULT. I was happy last year (my first year of university) because I was in a special program, and the classes were more similar to the ones in highschool.

I should have known that I wouldn't be able to cope. I don't cope well with anything, I should have known that this was a stupid idea, and that I was doomed to never make something of myself. I can't get over the fact that my family doesn't and never did care about me, that I was too different for them to accept me. I ignored it for my entire life up until this point, why'd I have to come to the realization NOW?

I have people who think I'm nice, little do they know how miserable I am. I can act happy, but its like a yo-yo, one minute I'm up, the next minute I'm down. I wish I was still like that, but I'm now at the point where all I am is miserable. I can't stand it. I want to be happy again. I want to be able to smile and laugh without feeling like a phony. I want people to know who I really am, not just the mask I wear. I just can't do it. These people are happy, they're NORMAL. If I told them I'd been lying to them, they would hate me. I don't want people to leave me. I want them there, even if they're not knowing what I'm really feeling.

I know I'm getting worse. I know that crying all the time isn't normal. I know these thoughts that are running through my head are just trying to make me miserable. I know I shouldn't listen to them. I know wanting to stay in bed, and not get out isn't a way to cope. I know all this. I know this is depression. I know I should seek some help, more than what I'm getting. I just can't do it. I can't make my family feel guilty. I can't give them another reason to make me feel worse. I can't face the music, only to myself. I hate feeling all alone in the universe. I know I'm not the first person to feel this way, I know I won't be the last.

I'm a failiure. I know I have low self-esteem. I know that wanting to externalize the pain I'm feeling in a non-positive manner is bad. But I want to feel bad. Because I deserve it.

I know that life could be worse. I know people have gotten over larger hurdles than mine. I just don't care any more. I just want some inner peace, I want to KNOW there's one person on this planet that thinks I'm trying to be a good person, that I'm trying. Thats all I can do is try, but...

Its taking too long to get to that point.

Why me?

I'm sorry. I know its not fair to inflict myself on anyone, but I can't stand it anymore.

(And no, no suicidal ideation from me, I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I wasn't going there again. This actually makes it worse, if it makes any sense. Its like I have no way out.)