Finally talked to T. Sort of. She was abrupt and cold and didn't ask me how I am or how it went today. She just said, what can I do for you? And that was probably the high point of the conversation. In the end she hung up while I sobbed.

I wish there was a way that I could have held onto the connected, supported feeling I had after my session yesterday. When my T does this, when she acts unexpectedly or drastically different, it really really throws me into a spiral. I can definitely see right now how fragile the trust that we were rebuilding is. It just takes one conversation, one interaction where T was "off", and the trust is just gone.

I'm too tired and sick and sad to have energy to even consider this a rupture. I don't think it's a rupture, I think it's just a symptom. It's just...this is probably the way things are at the end of a relationship. Too much water under the bridge, too many hurt feelings and just too much history. Not enough tolerance to let the little things go. I'm sure it's me, I know it is actually. I don't know HOW it's me, I don't know what I did (should I have not called her today? Should I have not called her back this afternoon? I rarely leave her more than one message, I will usually leave one and then wait it out. But I called her this morning and then I called her again this afternoon. Was that too much? I don't know), but I know it is me and not her. I just don't think I have it in me anymore to keep trying to get something from T that she intermittently and sporadically provides. I keep stepping in the holes in between her support, and it hurts. There are more holes than spaces between the holes now anyway.

And isn't this an interesting diversion from what's actually going on in my life? It's like I'm playing a shell game with myself, always distracting myself when things get hard.