Hey Peridot28,
It is completely understandable that you are feeling a lot of pain, or maybe more accurately -agony. you have been through so much.
I don't think anyone could possibily think you are having a "pity party", I certainly don't believe this and I don't think your T does either. Many people, especially therapists know that many people wear a mask to cover up their pain, it's a coping mechanism but it doesn't mean the person isn't in extreme pain. You say that you feel your therapist is hearing everything you say and knows your pain, what is it that makes you feel she doesn't think your pain is intense or that what you suffered was intense and traumatic?
I understand that sometimes when we tell our stories that it can sometimes sound like just that, " a story" and we really want the person we are telling to understand just how bad something felt, so that they know we aren't just making something out of nothing. And just because you don't cry infront of your T, doesn't mean you aren't hurting or that you aren't crying an ocean inside.She knows this
.CSA is a something no child should go through and it was not your fault.
What would it feel like to say to your T - I am worried that the intensity of the pain I feel is disregarded because I put on a happy face to the outside world?
I think the best way to express the pain is to start of by telling her just how hard it is to even do that. It's not easy opening up about something so painful. Maybe your T could help in some way?
I want to say that to have gone to T in the first place and to have told your T what you have been through is very courageous and shows an inner strength. This is not worthless, this is inspiring.
I can only imagine how awful it felt to have the two people who should be there to love and protect you, hurt you by ignoring your importance but that does not mean you are not important, it means they failed you. This is not your fault. I don't think you "got what you wanted" by not having a relationship with your parents; because what you really want is to have always had loving parents who were there for you and continued to be.
Can you say who the people are in your life that you know love you?
Those people see someone they think a lot of, they see the beautiful person you are.
*huge hugs*