I guess one of the benefits of the recent rupture I had with T is that I was forced to find support elsewhere in my life. And I have been putting my time and energy into cultivating those relationships.

What's so hard about T doing this right now, though, is that I talked to her yesterday about how hard this topic (the procedure I had today and the physical problems leading up to it) is to talk about with people. It's not something that is talked about openly in our society, and there is a lot of shame and embarrassment around it. T said that she understands that and that she wants to hear about it, that none of the details are too gross for her. I told her she is the one person in my life that I feel okay talking about the details with. So now I've lost that, but I will be okay. I will be okay.

I'm not okay right now, I wasn't okay before Ts voicemail and that certainly didn't help, but I WILL be okay. I will get through this the way I have gotten through it before, and I can feel already that it's not as hard as it was last time. I'm not frantic to talk to T, I'm not spiraled out and dizzy and shaking. I learned in that last rupture that I can be okay without T, and I feel good that I tried to work through that rupture and I did all I could. I can walk away now without feeling like I messed up or that I didn't try hard enough.

Also? If I don't ever see T again, having my last session with her be the way it was yesterday, feeling so connected, having that hug from her at the end, it's not a bad way to go end. I can look back on that as my last session and know that T cared about me and that I'm worth caring about.