Even though I was a nervous wreck yesterday, I did fine today in my session. No pre-session jitters at all!! That is odd. I was so relaxed that I thought something must be wrong with me. I actually sat in a different place. Still on the loveseat, just on the other end. Not sure why I did that.

We talked about my marriage and how things have changed. She asked me how that made me feel. Yep! There is that blasted "How do you feel question!!" I told her that I don't know how I feel. She said, "Yes you do. How do you feel about this?" For some reason I was bound and determined not to answer her. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I just did not want to 'go there' with an answer.

You can guess what she did. Yes, she gave that to me in a homework assignment, "Why do I fight acceptance and forgiveness?" Meaning, "Why am I finding it so hard to accept that my husband loves me as I am and why can I not forgive myself and allow our relationship to heal?" I guess this could mean other things as well, but to me, I felt that this is where she was going.

We talked about how people perceive me. One of the things I found strange was that a couple of people said when they first met me, I appeared to be very organized. I am like, "How can you tell that just by looking at someone?"

My therapist gave me a look like "You are kidding, aren't you? It is obvious that you are organized." I asked her how that can be. She pointed to my notebook that I bring to every session. It is filled with typed notes and this and that about therapy. Then she went through my routine when I get to her office. She said, "You come in and put your drink down. Then you go to the corner, put down your purse, take off your shoes, and put on your socks. Lastly, you put your notebook on the couch and sit down."

I looked somewhat dumbfounded and said, "What is wrong with that?" She replied, "Nothing is wrong with that at all. I am just pointing out that you are a very organized person. You have a routine that you go by." I said, "That is being smart and knowing what you need to do when you come into therapy. Do you want me to come in here and throw my stuff all over your office? Do you want me to come in here and not bring my homework?"

She could tell that I was getting upset by now. She questioned, "Why are you getting so defensive? Why do you automatically think this is a negative thing when I tell you that you are an organized person?" I said, "Because you are making it sound like something is wrong with me, that's why."

She went on to say that that was not at all what she was implying. She said that I had pattern of looking for rejection and I automatically go to that when someone makes a comment about me. She said it could be anything, and I would take it negatively.

Then she said that she had another assignment, "Why do I take things so personally and become defensive?" Well, this just put the icing on the cake!! I told her, "Give me that nappy chair over there. I would rather do the stupid Empty Chair assignment than to do these questions you have given me."

Of course, she said, "It sounds like this is the perfect assignment for you." I was thinking, "I am NOT doing it so you are going to be wasting a session if you expect me to come in here on Thursday and talk about this!!" She made me really mad!! I had a fabulous session today and now she is ruining it by making me do these ridiculous questions.

She said, "I know that you don't want this assignment, but this is what you are struggling with. This is where we need to do some work. You are going to have to face this sooner or later. You have not forgiven yourself and you are very defensive. We need to work through this. You will feel so much better once we have gotten through this."

I said, "Could YOU do this assignment?" She gave the reply that drives me nuts, "This is not about me, it is about you."

When I got home, I showed the assignment to my husband. He said, "What is wrong with that?" Then he started laughing and said, "This is exactly what you do!"

Lovely, just lovely!! I have to get this done by Thursday at 11:00. I don't have anything done on it at all. Nothing. And you know what? I don't want to do any of this!!!

To end this on a positive note, I did have a great session. I really did. The end of it is what upset me. I know that she is speaking the truth and that is her job. But couldn't she think of something else to give me as an assignment? Something not so hard? This is the first time that we will be meeting twice in one week. How in the world can she expect me to do this kind of assignment in such a short period of time?

She is good. She is really good. But I don't like her right now. (Well, that is a lie. I do like her. I just don't like homework!)