I've been reading this thread with joy. Yes, joy! Another adult woman (did you say you have grandchildren?) struggling with the issue of relationship with a therapist. I have had two over the years, both women, and have struggled with the "I will not let myself need them; it is pathetic to need their acceptance; I feel like a little child" internal messages to myself. I did learn to give myself permission to hold my first therapist's hand in group therapy...I won't tell you how long that took. LOL. My current therapist...I shake her hand goodbye when I am feeling secure. We never sit on the sofa together. Once I sat on a chair next to her chair to look at some photos and then moved back to the sofa.

So I do understand and I think you have been doing a great job of asking for what you need. I think you are very lucky that your T will email you. My first T would let me call her at home. My current T does not do that and does not use email. But she does belong to a group that has an on-call therapist 24/7 so that's good for emergencies.

I also understand the panic attack at the store. Only too well. Sometimes I would be unable to drive and would have to call my husband or son to come and rescue me. How embarassing. But my son was an angel about it. My husband did OK, he just tended to minimize my state. Once suggesting I drive my car home and he would follow, and then complaining that I swerved all over the place...well duh! I had taken a bunch of pills, which was why my T called him in the first place. But he doesn't like to admit to himself when things are bad.

As to the 15 months....hmmm! My first T said I would probably need about that long. Seven years later we had done a lot of great work. LOL!! And I took a few years off. But back at it now...other issues, and the same issues on a different level. I'm not sure I will ever be done, but I have forgiven myself for needing my therapist. Now I just like to give thanks for her. She has very strict and very clear boundaries, physical and emotional, which makes me feel safe. But she does give me hugs when I ask, but I usually just shake her hand --my way of holding her hand briefly OMG does that sound pathetic or what. But you know, that's OK. I was hurt as a child; I had no safe loving adults in my home. So now if I need to hold her hand for a couple of seconds then that's just fine. I don't have to punish myself, or berrate myself I can just be thankful that there is a woman who is kind enough and caring enough to let me hold her hand.

Ah me!