Hummmm.... it looks like I am on my own here for a while. Fair enough since I was gone so long. Nevertheless I will carry on carrying on reflecting on the blessings of mindful meditation.

I seem to be doing a lot of entertaining of questions lately. I believe it to be an indication of my emergence from a solitude of spirit. For too many years to count, I have been isolating, insolating and separating myself from the world. I have left myself alone to face fears that get bigger left only in my head. Left alone with my doubts, my negativity, my defeats. From the place I created for myself, the place I thought was safe and free from harm my fears magnifed, my doubts expanded. My hopes and dreams abandoned.

In that place I heard the negative voices more loudly, more authoritively, more absolutely day by day, week by week, month by month and year by year. I could not even consider an altered reality to the one I had fallen into, the one I couldn't find my way out from, the one that consumed and trapped me. Slowly but surely I am emerging to be able to reframe my thinking and empower my responses. I have more courage and more conviction to risk facing anything that gets in my way of reclaiming my life.

The more time I spend in the silent places in my head emersed in the calming presence of a centered peace, the more clearly I can see myself 'apart of' while still 'apart from' the world around me; the more I can see my connectedness, my belong, my usefullness, my place.

More and more I find myself in the circle of a kind of ceaseless meditation. More and more each vacant moment of time gets automatically filled with moments of mindfullness observation. The taking in of what is good, honourable, just and kind. That can smoothly lead me towards meditative stillness. To a place of emptiness from which flows a refreshed fullness.

Not sure any of that makes any sense to anyone or if anyone can relate to what I am trying to say. I just know since beginning this walk I am more equipped to respond to those things that have been keeping me down.

Basically what that means for me is that I have quicker access to the tools that can serve me when I need them the most. My inventory of 'anxiety-busters' has increased considerably. My faith the tools can effect my response in situations that trigger anxiety or any other symptom has grown right along side.

In addition to the inventory of tools to help me out I also have experiences of victory to empower me to want to taste victory again and again. I am actually beginning to believe I can manage triggering situations and sudden flips in my mood and outlook on my life. It is like a change of positioning that says, 'You don't control me. I control you. Test me as you might I will always come out on top.' Anxiety, depression, hyper-sensitivity, hyper-reactions, flipping out, folding in.... any of it.... all of it.... I will still come out on top.'