I am so sad about seeing T today.

I am afraid to go in there and feel if/how things have changed.
I will miss being able to hold his hand to get grounded at the end of session (he isn't taking that away, but I am)
I don't want to have the stupid conversation where I apologize and he says it's okay. It's NOT okay and arguing about it will make it worse.
I know that I was more triggered than ever at my last session, and that, of course, that points to big stuff that I don't want to talk about.
This is historically a hard week for me.
I feel sick.
I want to cry.

T said we will gently work on rebuilding trust.

I want things to be better, I want to not talk about anything that we need to talk about. I want T to just be some guy and not T, who knows all of my secrets, probably even some of the ones I haven't even spoken out loud.

I hate myself for the things I need to talk about. I can't say them out loud into the room.

I'm so tired of shame.

And on and on and on.

I leave in 45 minutes