***Trigger warning***

Well, now I've done it. I'm in HUGE trouble.

I received notification that I am graduating from university with a general degree. What I wanted was an honours degree, but I failed a course and therefore I'm a credit short of my entire fourth year counting towards my degree. I failed due to non-attendance and not submitting coursework, which I was entirely aware of but just ... didn't. I don't know what my problem is. We're leaving for my graduation on Monday, and I can't tell my parents about this. They are going to KILL me. The time and money invested in my education ... this is worse than disownment. I have been bred to do a single thing in my life, and that's get this degree. I thought it was all over and done with. At the end, I was focusing on just surviving and I was so focused on that that I didn't take the right measures academically and now it's all coming back to bite me. This is all my fault. I could have taken measures to fix this so long ago. I could have asked for help. I could have informed the school how much trouble I was in. But the only way I could survive was by pretending I was fine, by TELLING myself I was fine even though I wasn't, and in the process I ignored my responsibilities. Now I've failed and my parents are going to kill me.

Yes, I am still getting a degree. But it is a 3-year degree rather than a 4-year degree and worth vastly less to employers, not to mention my parents. ts an entire years' tuition down the drain. They are going to be so angry and disappointed and all I can think is ... well let's say that beyond being in trouble with them, emotionally I'm in a lot of trouble right now too. The only reason I stuck it out the last couple of months of my school year was that there was an end in sight and once I passed that finish line I could have my life back. Now that it looks like I haven't crossed the finish line after all ... I don't know what to do.

I'm in so much trouble. It's weird because last night I was thinking I've been doing so well since I came home, I should talk to my doctor about maybe weaning off the antidepressants. Now I'm not even entirely sure if I feel safe. Or maybe I'm just telling myself I don't feel safe so I can run away from my problems. Again. I don't know. I'm so lost. I don't know what to do.