I'm back from session. I'm not even sure what to say. It was hard.

I know I had the past and now all mixed up in my head. I know that I had little me and big me all confused. I know that part of me was in the office and part of me was somewhere else, far away, where I was hurt. I know that it was hard to stay present.

I know that it felt like something really safe was gone. I know that I felt like my little self asked to have her needs met in the past and that it turned out yucky, and that becoming brave enough again to ask to have my needs met now felt too scary and too yucky and too ick.

I know that at one point, I said "I wish it could just be us like it was before" and T said "It CAN. It's just you and me. We can decide right now to change it.". And it felt true, but not true at the same time.

I know I hid a lot.

I know that at the end, I really really wanted to not have another week like this one. I told T that I wished I could be brave enough to figure out what I need and ask for it.

I did finally ask him if he wanted to touch fingers. He asked if he could move his chair closer, so he did and we reached out and touched fingers. I asked if it was okay, if it was safe, if he was still him and I was still me, if he knew that I just wanted to be safe and connected. He asked, how about two fingers? So we touched two. And he asked, how about three? So we touched three. I breathed and tried to believe it was okay, and it WOULD be okay.

T told me that his love for me doesn't change. That he knows we were both surprised at what happened last session, and that a deep, deep trigger had been touched. He said that we both had feelings about it. And he said that we have all of these years together, and that if ruptures happen, it doesn't take away the love and trust we've built.

I don't know how I feel. Session was so scary...my heart was pounding so hard that by the end of the 90 minutes I literally thought I was going to fall asleep every time I blinked.

I want to move through this. I want to move through what's happening with T, and with the story I can't tell. I just want it to be over.

I need hope or grace or something. I guess all I can do right now is try to stay in this moment.