I'm not sure if this is where I should post this, so please if I'm in the incorrect place, would a mod please move it to the correct area (or remove this header since I know it's human read first, before going public)

I'm a 26 year old Google App developer/Graphics Artist. I've recently started talking with my wife of 5 years after a long separation and we are trying to work things out. The skinny of the situation is, while we were separated she was living with another man, and he was physically abusive towards her, and did other unmentionable things and without consequence.

Now, here is what everything boils down to. My wife is having a load of emotional issues with things that happened, and the fact our kids have been scattered into placement after she had to call the law on the guy beating her. I got my 4 year old son, my 6 year old daughter went to her grandparents, and "my" 8 year old son went with my daughter as well. The child she had while we were separated went to his family to be taken care of.

During this period I have been trying to be a rock for her to rely on so she can get her head straight and take care of all of her business. I've been attempting so hard to be the one she can call on when things aren't right and someone she can rely on. Lets face it, I love this woman with all my heart. We have both had our past, and done things to each other that would be called wrong, or evil, or w/e you want to call it. This is the 3rd real time we have tried to work things out, because we both love each other, or at least I believe she loves me, as much as I do her, and I try to have faith in her decisions.

Recently though, with social services being involved we can't be as open as we want to be, and this leaves a strain on our relationship. On top of the fact the youngest child (1.5 years) has been put in a home that's abusive, and then moved into one of her friends home. This made things even harder because now I can't see her at all, because she doesn't want me and her friend (who is female) around each other. I don't get along w/ her friend, and her friend doesn't get along with me.

I know this isn't enough detail to be really informed, but the whole situation boils down to. I feel as if I'm being pushed away, and it hurts more than I ever imagined. I've dated other women while we were separated and I never felt this kind of pain except with her. I really want to be with her, I want to try to work with her, and just spend time with her (non sexual). But because I'm here with my 4 year old all the time and a grandfather that doesn't understand, I'm left trying to keep "Pop" from trying to control my 4 year old son, like he's a soldier in the army, trying to keep my wife happy so she doesn't crack, and trying to keep myself together.

Right now I feel strained, and I know what I"m feeling is no where near where she is at due to all the stress, but last night I made a cry for help that I just wanted to feel loved. I wasn't getting that feeling. Infact she got mad at me for it, and told me I needed to be stronger. I'm not exactly sure how I can be any stronger. But it's leaving me the past few weeks to my thoughts racing so bad I can't sleep well without the need of marijuana to slow down (which I have quit using while my son is with me). I know relying on such crutches is a sign of weakness, but I'm attempting to do right by my child, and trying to do right by my wife.

But sometimes I just need to know I"m doing right. Was it wrong of me to cry out for her attention, even if it was just a few minutes, or am I wrong to cry for such things while she's hurting worse than me. She knows she can call me anytime, and I'll come running to her to make sure everything is ok, but I am feeling left out. I'm having thoughts of vanishing after this whole social services thing is cleared out and just paying child support. I can't live near here and watch her be with another man (this is why I left our state and wandered the country side for years and tried college and all that). But I keep coming back to her.

I'm sure that my obsessiveness with my wife is probably as unhealthy as can be, but I do not know what to do. I love her, I'd bend over backwards and give her the world on a plate. But sometimes I don't feel like I get that back. And I'm confused, I do not want to resort to experts and paying for help that a simple discussion can help, and I refuse to mess with psychotherapy drugs. I know I'm messed up in the head a bit, but I do my damn-est to meditate and try to control my thoughts through my own abilities, which while I was separated from her I did very well. I thought I had evolved into something more powerful, a stronger, more honed individual. But now I feel like I"m back in High School, I feel emo, and I'm not sure what I can do right now.

I've tried to explain this, and "Pop" says "I told you so, she was like this" and my wife says "You need to be stronger"; and I have no one else to talk to. I don't keep friends well because I'm very select who I associate with just because I've had so many people do me wrong in the past; and now I have no options but to bark in the dark for help. Any ideas any one?