I know this situation is tough. My ex-husband went to therapy years ago for porn addiction while we were married and then later after we divorced. The divorce was related to the porn use only by the fact that as you correctly mentioned--that this is an intimacy issue. I don't know if he still struggles with it, but he has recently gotten remarried and I think he is putting a lot of positive energy into making sure this one doesn't go the direction our marriage did. There is even religious literature (Every Man's Battle) that is dedicated to this problem. I'm not recommending this approach, but it does emphasize how common the challenge is for men.

My current situation is similar to yours. When my partner and I first began having sex, it always had to involve porn. One night I got close to him on the sofa and kissed him. He said, "I don't know why, but now I have to be stimulated visually." I knew he meant that he needed the porn.

The situation hit a painful but humorous point when once during an argument he handed me the laptop computer and said, "Here...I don't even want to have sex anymore!"

Now his sex drive is affected by the medications he takes, his difficulty with intimacy now that our relationship is "real," and by the fact that he has spent so many years looking at the porn. An expert on this topic once told me that men who rely heavily on porn do so because they cannot have emotionally intimate relationships with women.

I understand also why you feel betrayed. I got so frustrated the other day that I wrote a poem called "Without a kiss" that was my expression of frustration about "the other woman"--all the women of porn lumped together.

I also have to initiate most sex now. And often I get turned down. Yet, when I look on the internet history I see that he spent plenty of time that day with "the other woman"--porn.

I have come to the conclusion that the best way for us is to work on the intimacy part in nonthreatening ways. Recently, we went on vacation and the sex was pretty good--not as great as I know it can be. But the internet wasn't available and we had a lot of good time together away from family and work issues.

I don't know if this helps at all. But I did want to let you know that you are not alone. I think there are many, many more women out there in our spot. Probably more than ever with the easy availability of porn online.

Best wishes to you...and me.