Hi Lavalamp

I understand the transference problem, I was married when I started my first stage of therapy and the transference that developed toward my female therapist was startling and unexpected, and completely overwhelming. It DOES spring from younger unmet needs. I struggled with guilt, and while I loved my husband, it did throw me off balance. What I felt for my T was so strong and intense that it made my love for my husband look weak and boring in comparison. This is a dangerous comparison, and very unrealistic. I'm just very grateful that she was a woman and not a man because this made it easier to see that the feelings were not completely 'real'. I was a straight married woman, so why would I suddenly have romantic feelings toward an older woman? With the opposite sex T though it can feel so real and confusing. It's too easy to lose sight of what's real and what is not. Just remember the Therapeutic relationship and any resulting transference is artificially induced, like the pain of a limb that has been amputated, it feels real, you feel it now, but it belongs to the past. Try hard to keep it in a 'box' (in a healthy way) by way of reminding yourself it doesn't belong to now, and despite how strong your feelings toward your therapist get, because they arise from past experience, and past needs, they can never, ever belong to now. What you have now is your very real relationship with your wife. True love is not wildly exciting - it's deep and warm and mild and constant, secure, and stable. Resist the illusion that you can bring these overwhelming intense feelings toward T into reality. Should you ever try to materialise these ghostly remnants of the past by acting them out (in the form of an affair) you would very quickly find that they are not as magical as they appear. Keep it in context, allow yourself to feel them, but don't let yourself feel guilty in regards to your wife. They are part of the process, if you just remember they are not a threat to your current real life relationship with your wife, they belong to the past, and through them you will be able to heal that past - you may be able to find the balance you need. Easier said than done. But all the best.