I told her I am not coming in again, I guess I'm just not loving the sort of open-endedness of it. I would like to know it's over, and not be waiting or dreading contact from her. I just want it to be over.

I type that ^ and then I read this from diz:

and suddenly I realize that yes, deep down, part of me wants to hear from her. I want it to be over, I want to know I'm not going to hear from her, AND I want to hear from her, all at once.

diz, thank you. I hadn't stopped to look inside and see that part.