Thanks for asking, Sannah. I felt bad after my session today and I cried in my car and had trouble leaving the parking lot. Therapy is always the same for me and I'm getting depressed about it.

We did meditation first, which calmed me. Then I told her about my week, in which I was very busy and felt good and happy! But when I started talking about last session, it didn't go so well. It seems that I began saying how I felt sad about T "shattering my dreams" but I switched to something else and we didn't get back to it. We ended up talking about my H, which is important, I know. It's just another huge subject with no answers.

Early in the session I asked to draw me in the heart with T and little me, so I did it. Of course she asked how I felt about doing that, and I said I didn't like it, but I couldn't say more. It seems like everything I started today I stopped myself!

I pushed her away a little, maybe because I feel like I don't "have her anymore" anyway. She said she's not going anywhere, but that didn't help. At the end, she wanted to do "breathing through my heart". I had to put my hand on my heart and breathe, thinking of something I was grateful for. I didn't want to do it. I wanted to hold her hand, so she sat next to me and held one hand while I did it with the other. I wanted to be grateful for her holding my hand, but she wanted something in RL so I said my grandchildren, though she said it could be "holding her hand" if I wanted to. I felt too pathetic about that so I changed it. Then she said we could walk out together. She had to go to the bathroom and so did I, but I said we couldn't go together. Later I felt like a failure because I just should have gone with her. There are 4 stalls. Well, sorry for TMI.

I don't know what is wrong with me. My T never said I couldn't be close to her anymore, or that I had to "give her up." We did talk about part of me who wanted to "stop the pattern" but I couldn't stay with that either. I talked about her shattering my dreams again.

I made it clear to her that it felt like I had nothing left when she talked about my being there for my parts last week. She then asked if my parts know that there is a Self? That I should ask them! I didn't want to go there either and said I don't know if they know, and I still don't know what my Self is.

So, what was I doing today? I don't know!! I was too tired for therapy. I didn't really "see" her today except when I first came in and I noticed she looked good so I didn't want to feel anything for her.

Therapy is too hard for me now!!!