I hate "being in love" or liking people. It feels.. bad. It feels.. unnatural. As a person who's emotional rage is on a day to day basis, less than an inch wide feeling any type of emotion feels quite wrong when it happens.. and for me liking people is one of the MOST intense feelings I have felt.. In comparison to "normal" people my "love" feelings are very strong. I've liked guys for years, was the emotionally supportive back up girlfriend, and put up with it just so I could talk to them. Every relationship I've ever had, I was in too deep, over my head, unable to control the sudden rush of intense feelings that took over and I put up with things that I shouldn't have.

Now, I hate it. I don't like people often, but I hate it when it happens. It seems to be happening right now (though I'm not sure and trying to force myself into denial so it goes away) and it just.. scary and irritating. I hate relationships.. I hate feeling like I have to answer to someone, I hate feeling like I need to be cared for. I hate feeling like I have to care for someone else because I'm overly compassionate. I hate the awkward affection, the stupid, cute-sy, iwuvyou junk.. I hate other people knowing, I hate other people asking.. And yet I feel sad when other people say: "it feels nice to not be alone"..

Yet in my experience.. there was nothing nice.. there was just drama, there was caring for sensitive, insecure, jealous, depressive, if you leave i'll kill myself, people.. Even right now.. I AM in a relationship but I feel nothing.. I know I'm a back up girl, I'm in the long-distance "my gf is my therapist" relationship and I feel trapped.. This is the second relationship I've ever had in my life, and the second of this kind.. I've never been kissed or confessed to face-to-face. I've never had all these mythological "nice" things that people always talk about.. and I feel like it's ruined my outlook on it forever.

I'm young, it shouldn't matter because "I have my whole life ahead of me" but I think if I don't deal with this now.. I won't have my whole life.. because my whole life will be spent rolling eyes and scoffing every time a couple walks past holding hands. My whole life will be spent rejecting every guy, feeling like I don't need to be with anyone ever, ignoring that it even exists. My whole life will be spent scared of that drama, the insecurity.. the feeling of being suffocated and trapped..