I woke up this morning and something felt different....and I realized that I feel better.

I SO don't understand therapy. Yesterday's session was nothing but big big feelings and grounding and feelings and grounding. We still haven't talked about the topic I am avoiding, not really.

But reconnecting with T was such a relief. And finding out that he still loves me was such a relief. And sitting through those feelings and surviving was such a relief.

Sometimes I realize that for me, a lot of therapy really is just about surviving my feelings. I've spent literally my entire life avoiding them..dissociating as a child, eating d/o as a teen, drugs and alcohol as an adult..and dissociating and staying beyond busy since giving up all of my other "bad" coping skills.

So, when I sit in therapy and feel all of those things I've avoided, it feels horrible. Like, I can't even describe it (although I'm sure people here understand). It's overwhelming. There are no words, and it feels like I won't even survive it.

But then I DO survive it. And it's such a relief to discover that I am stronger than I thought and that I can do this. That there is a chance that I will make it to the other side.

And yesterday, when I told T I wanted to try touching fingers and he moved closer and then he had me try two fingers and then three...that small thing felt like I was reaching out to reconnect with T, which was really hard, and that he was reaching back to reconnect with me. And it doesn't sound like a big deal...I would have left with the "one finger" touch and felt like we had taken a step, but T gave me the gift of pushing me a little bit and letting me leave feeling a little bit more connected.

I know there will be so many ups and downs while I work through this part of my story, but it felt so good today to wake up in an "up" after so many "downs".