I think that you have to do more research in obtaining affordable therapy. Hey I know it isn't easy, but often therapists do work on a curve and try to fit therapy into a budget. I understand completely about the affordability aspect. But you cannot expect to do this on your own. I know you don't see it now, but it may help you in the long run. You have more than you can handle and I know your trying. That is when you have to be willing to ask for help and keep pushing until you get it.

I can see that you are trying as a third party to somehow find a productive resolve and it is not unreasonable for you to desire approval for you efforts, not only from others but to also feel that you are not wasting your efforts.

But running isnt the answer, you have said that yourself, you always come back to the situation, perhaps that feeling of responsibility being denied not only by others but yourself is draining you psychologically. Working with a therapist can help you understand what you can and cannot do thus bringing a personal relief. Perhaps working with the system will help you achieve not only piece of mind but a sense of what you can do that perhaps you don't see yet. By trying you are proving to be a person who may be the only one willing to step foward that can be responsible enough to produce the best enviornment for the children, or that one child you have.

The love and appreciation you are desiring has to come from yourself. Work with the system and work towards that. If your ex sees that you are gaining and working at resolve she may do the same. Your ex is obviously very confused and cannot even provide for her own personal sense of psychological strength. She does need help and you can't do it for her. Yes she is using you for some type of grounding method but you are not a therapist and you cannot provider her with all the answers. Yes you are trying but you can only work on your own issues and go from there. You have a lot of questions and your spinning. That is when you need help, that is what is seen and being suggested. Otherwise it wont be long before you get too overwhelmed by the situation, no, you cannot do for others.

Now as far as using or self medicating with drugs, wrong road. That is a form of running and avoiding problem solving. There are medications designed to help you deal with the ongoing stress, but most important you are in more need of help, not avoidance.

Here is another thing to keep in mind. Somehow you lack the knowlege in how to progress. By taking the steps toward learning how to proceed, your own personal path, you will learn how to pass that along to the children involved. It is amazing but it does make a difference. I had a very difficult time myself with a relationship issue with a child in tow and I never forgot to consider how my choices would effect her. She is now a much stronger person than me because of her witnessing me finding resolve and gaining. Even by making choices to find help and guidance.

At this point you cant afford not to get help. Getting and receiving help is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of being willing to look for resolve. Relationships take work, and they do not get resolved by running, deep inside you know that.

Open Eyes