Wow - you guys are so cool. I can't believe how many people gave me thoughtful responses in the short period of time I was gone (I jogged to the hardware store and back -- got my exercise in and solved the latch problem in one fell swoop). I feel much better now, thanks to venting, your caring responses, and getting out of the house for a few minutes. In fact, I look back at my post and think "what a frigging whiner I am". He's a great guy and I should be thankful that he's in my life and not depressed. And that he's not Shirley's ex...

I don't know. This has been a tough issue for me in adult relationships. I'm NOT afraid of confrontation by nature, but I've scared people off by being that way and at this point, I second-guess myself in my relationships. Add that to me marrying two highly sensitive people and it's a mess. I remember -- GOD, I should have realized what a big red flag this was -- one of my first dates, maybe the fifth or sixth, with my ex-husband. We were at a really good greek restaurant and were waiting for our food to arrive. We were kind of glowy and feeling a lot of passion for each other, flirting heavily, and then he smiled and said "you would have a smashing body if you lost 30 pounds!"

what.

WHAT?????

Ok, now in retrospect, he was just being a stupid guy who doesn't realize how sensitive women can be about their bodies. And he also had no idea that if I would have lost 30 pounds, I would be emaciated -- 15 pounds maybe, but not 30. But anyway, I didn't know how to react - I was really shocked - nobody had ever said anything like that to me before, and certainly not in that context. I was so shocked, that uncharacteristically, I didn't say anything. Nor could I eat when my food arrived. The waitress asked if there was anything wrong with my food, and I numbly said "he just told me I could stand to lose 30 pounds." She glared at him and took my plate away. We got to the car and HE STARTED CRYING and said that I was so mean to tell her that, and that he was only trying to help me and now I'm criticising him blah blah blah. I ended up comforting HIM and telling him it was okay, I was wrong to have mentioned it to her, I'm not upset about what he said... UGH. WTF? Why did *I* apologize to *him*? My therapist (male) said I should have dumped my food over his head and walked out. But see? That's my relationship problem... that's what I keep doing in my relationships. Even now, even though I know better.

I can't believe I just dredged up an example from over 13 years ago. Geesh. Let it go already, LMo.

I think that the real answer is coming to me too late -- I should stay away from sensitive people. It's like trying to mix oil and water - I am not good for them. I hurt them, but in trying NOT to, I end up hurting myself. It's happened here at PC a number of times, and this is the LAST place I should be hurting people. Of course, I love my husband and I could never end the relationship now, but probably the smart thing to do would have been to recognize it early on and to have stayed away. I should have stuck to my own kind, and left him open to date people who are less... critical? controlling? than I am.

Dunno

But I do thank you for your thoughtful comments and feedback. You are all so sweet. I'm open to changing myself however I can to make our relationship truly healthy, but I am trying to be careful of the short-term solutions I've been prescribing to up until now. I also have to realize that just because my way is "right" for me, it will take work on both of our parts to make our relationship successful.

Please remind me of this every time I think about cutting back on therapy -- I obviously need a lot more of it!