having trouble right now. finances are a mess (just went through a bankruptcy) and with all the things on my plate i know i need to retrench and dont know where to begin. theres so much. . . the car, my pdoc, t and meds, my lawyer, upcoming surgery, gas and electric are both asking for deposits because of the bankruptcy. its overwhelming. started out a good day and then when husband and i sat down to sort through everything i just went into full blown panic. i know i might need to stop seeing pdoc and t for a while because of the time involved and the cost, and i'm afraid with the way i'm feeling lately i might not be able to keep it together without them in my life. my parents have been around more than i'd like them to be because of the financial thing and the fact that without their help i'd be on the street right now, and being around my father sets things off, the nightmares, the panic, anxiety, and i dont know how to continue dealing with him without the therapy. i was supposed to go to my parents house today to discuss legal stuff and i became physically ill. called my mom to tell her i couldnt keep my food down and obviously she knew i wouldnt be showing up. is that normal? to become ill like that out of fear?
i'm afraid of surgery, of how i'm going to feel afterwards, how it will affect my future, and i dont really know anymore how to put things in order. i feel like i'm losing my grip. the other day i wanted to hurt myself. dont know if its okay to post that so maybe this will be edited. it scared me enough that i told my husband and so hes around me constantly now making sure i dont do anything foolish. its comforting but annoying. there is no easy way out and so i've been looking for one and i try to tell myself not to think that way but the thoughts have ben running through my head all day like a broken record. it seems unfair that life revolves around money, that if you dont have it you have to suffer, whether youre a good person or not. dont know what to do so i'm just venting. hope thats ok.