Hi SwimJim,

Sorry I haven't replied to this thread in a while. The last post exemplifies the differences in how people view relationships, especially failed ones. Some see it in black and white terms. She wanted x, you wanted y, so you break up. But I know, in your case, that it is not that simple. Some just can't understand how a woman like this affects a man's psyche. If your ex had told you when you first met that she would emotionally blackmail and manipulate you to get you to marry her, you probably would have turned and ran. But the honeymoon phase blinds us to just what these women are all about.

The fact is, if she does this with a life changing event such as marriage, she most likely will use such tactics to get whatever it is she wants in life. She probably has been conditioned since childhood that the only way she can feel accepted and loved is to have those around her agree with her or capitulate to her demands. She has an either/or, all or nothing mentality that forces her to react very negatively when she doesn't get what she wants, like a child who has her doll taken away. You took her doll away, you are a mean, bad person. She must punish you. In essence, she has little control over her emotions and feels that the people in her life are the cause of her happiness or sadness. In order to be happy, she must control those people by either forcing them to do what she wants through manipulation or bullying, or casting them out of her life as bad people. Her ultimatum is simply a defense mechanism meant to preempt a rejection from you. That way she can always be in control and have the power in the relationship that she needs in order to keep from being hurt.
She can't help the way she is. She unfortunately doesn't see how it affects those closest to her.

My ex showed signs of this personality, red flags, early on which I chose to ignore thinking it would get better. It never did. It only got worse. When she didn't get a ring from me by xmas of 09, she punished me by becoming cold and telling me if I wanted to just "date" her, then she would treat me like that and would stop making the effort in our relationship. I was "the boy" and needed to "step up". This treatment culminated on New Year's Eve and I nearly ended things right then and there. But she guilted me into staying. The rest of the weekend she was distant and kept making digs like... "if I only had a boyfriend who could commit..." or "I'd like a house and family someday but that is a pipe dream since my boyfriend won't marry me". This was just another example of her emotional blackmail and manipulation. When over-the-top sweetness with gifts, baking and sex etc... weren't enough after a few months (the carrot), she turned to "the stick". It didn't take a genius to figure out that everything this woman did throughout our relationship was meant to secure what she wanted. She wanted a man to marry her so she could be meet the expectations of her family. It was all about keeping up appearances and not ending up an "old maid". It never had anything to do with me. I was just a stand in.

I am still sad to this day to know she lost out on me. A man who truly understood her and could have loved her like no one else. But I have gotten over her for the most part. I can now fondly remember the good times along with the bad. But I realize she was not capable of appreciating and accepting the kind of genuine love and emotional intimacy I needed. There was nothing I could do to change her. I am a stronger man.