Well Indie I guess it is up to us for now to keep this alive around here. It's all good. Time for a ramble from me....

As you may know I have been sounding the trumpet lately about my increase ability to bust symptoms like anxiety and mood extremes... sound sensitivity etc etc. I have acknowledge how well taking time to meditate in silence and meditate on things of beauty and be attentive to my breath and attentive to my body language, my body stress.... just generally more attentive to my state of wellness or rather unwellness.

Now and then I will engage in more formal or at least ritualized and guided meditations and I find those to be great. Particular chakra meditation. I like how that makes me have a full body experience that actually can alter my thinking and bust any symptom dogging me at the time.

Other then the ritual of meditating to prepare myself for sleep, mostly my meditation practices have evolved into seizing moments throughout the day to attend to how I am feeling and functioning.... physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritual. It serves to get my attention. Once I am attentive and the more often I check in with myself then the better able I am to do what I need to do to re-align myself. If I ignore the signs that my alignment is out or if symptoms escellate to fast or creap up on me the more vulnerable I am to triggers.

As great as all that is.... seeing results from being attentive and willing to use one or another symptom busting techique as required, experiencing victories of overcoming and generally feeling more positive about my own ability to manage symptoms... somedays the symptoms can still get the better of me.

The last couple of days have had those kind of moments. Those times when the symptoms act out so quickly that I am sunk before I have a change to break away and re-align. Or I ignore the signs and don't do anything about it. Or at least not soon enough for any effort to bear much fruit.

I have noticed something interesting that happens when those hard hits happen. It seems to trigger a resistance to trying to pull myself into alignment. The line between having the will and capacity to turn anything around, and having no will or capacity to try.

Its a funny head game. Well not so funny actually. I get to that point beyond will and capacity where it is easier to just sink. To give up, to let go, to fall over. When the symptom(s) are so active that I can feel my resolve weaken until it is almost non-existent. It is like falling into a familiar hole and because it is familiar my responses becomes totally symptom driven and I no longer feel in control. I no longer want control. I am defeated and accepting of the defeat. When that voice in my head says I am delusional if I think I can escape its strong and painful grip. The pit is my reality. Life out of the pit is a torturing tease. A delusion. A lie.

There may be a still quiet voice in my head telling me the pit is a delusion and I can get back out if I do this or that or another thing. If I open my bag of symptom busters and pull something out that might get me out of the pit. But I don't open the bag. I get angry instead that I need the bag at all. The dialogue in my head recents how often I have to open that bag just to make it through each day. Of course that is total generalization. In that state of mind there is no recollection of victory. The only thing I believe when I am in that state is that I am a fool for trying. A fool for believing. A useless fool walking down a fools path. The negative points of view have me chained to them and I once again become a victim to those beliefs about myself. That line is so thin. The black and white thinking so absolute.

Now, in the light of a new day, I am tired from the meltdowns but I am not defeated. I didn't get trapped for long before I found some resolve to open the bag. While no major stories of overcoming and returning to a place of high optomism and confidence can be told I am out of the pit. I am listening to a different voice... though still with some doubt and vulnerability dogging me.

I am back pulling things out of the bag and showing myself extra kindnesses but the fall has me tired and doubting there is much point. Intellectually I know what is true but emotionally I think I know what is really true. Intellectually I know what I need to do but emotionally I don't see the point if coping and busting is all I have to look forward to for the rest of my life.

I am now forcing myself to meditate, to place myself in the now and let go of the rest. I am now talking myself into believing it is worth the effort. Oh how fine that line really is. It becomes about choice. What will I choose from this vulneral place?

I know I must choose to believe in my own power. I must choose to do what can strengthen my power. It is hard when one feels defeated and weak to not just stay defeated and weak. It feels easier..... To give in and fade out.

I am tired and I am struggling some to quiet the ugly thoughts in my head. I suspect what is best for me.... is to just walk in evidence. I have seen and felt the benefit of treating myself with kindness, patience and understanding and that is what my meditations and self talk conversations are focused on. Kindness, patience and understanding are words I am using like a kind of mantra or continuous affirmations of self love. I am, even those somewhat reluctantly, putting aside what is spinning around in my head and making the effort with whatever resources are in me.

I guess I have rambled on way to long. Especially since I can't turn this into much of a victory story. There may well be a victory story in there somewhere.... maybe tomorrow I will see it. Maybe tomorrow if I give myself the chance to separte from the darkness I will see the light again.

At least I am still functioning and I am functioning better than I was just a few weeks ago. I will dwell on that reality and give myself some slack. I guess that is a good place to go. A quiet peaceful place that will help to open my eyes and strengthen my resolve. Again.... again and again.... I guess that is how the game is played.

Sleep would be good too. Too many long days and late nights. Hey, rational thoughts. One step forward I guess. I think I will go to youtube for a while and find something to guide some meditation.