I'm an idiot. A horrible, manipulative, selfish idiot.

I asked T expressly not to call me again. Then tonight I had to go to the ER again and I was so triggered and I called her. I called T. After telling her I was done, in no uncertain terms. I can't tell you what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking. I was in panic mode, not able to find my words to tell the doctor what I needed to tell him. I know I have talked about that with T (about what and how to say those things in that situation) and I guess I was thinking she could remind me because I just...I couldn't find my words.

I didn't talk to her, of course, and I got through it and now I'm home and I am ashamed and embarrassed and humiliated and really really angry with myself for calling her. She sends me mixed messages and I complain about that, but what am I doing? The exact same thing.

I hate this, I hate me, I hate T, I hate life.