rainbow, your Self is not "supposed to be" what you or someone else thinks it should be. The Self just is. Maybe just look for what is already there... Discover what your Self already is before thinking how it could change to be what you or your T judges it is "supposed to be." It's like if someday in the future you want a diamond, which is formed from coal. If you go looking on the trail today for a diamond, you won't see it. (Not to say your Self is a lump of coal! But go looking for what is there now so you can find it more easily.)

I'm a little worried that is a bad analogy, but I hope you understand what I mean.