Quote:
Originally Posted by zooropa
I'm an idiot. A horrible, manipulative, selfish idiot.
I asked T expressly not to call me again. Then tonight I had to go to the ER again and I was so triggered and I called her. I called T. After telling her I was done, in no uncertain terms. I can't tell you what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking. I was in panic mode, not able to find my words to tell the doctor what I needed to tell him. I know I have talked about that with T (about what and how to say those things in that situation) and I guess I was thinking she could remind me because I just...I couldn't find my words.
I didn't talk to her, of course, and I got through it and now I'm home and I am ashamed and embarrassed and humiliated and really really angry with myself for calling her. She sends me mixed messages and I complain about that, but what am I doing? The exact same thing.
I hate this, I hate me, I hate T, I hate life.
|
Zoo (((huge hugs))), you were scared and needed someone and wanted reassurance, that does not make you a bad person at all huni
.
I think deep down you don't want things to be over with your T, you just also don't want her to do or say things that are leading you to more pain
.
As I said earlier I think there was some part of you wanting her to ring you, maybe for her to think "oh no, I have gone to far and now zoo is not going to come back, I need to ring her and tell her she has to and that I want her to come back" as a way to show she really cared. But when T didn't do this and you had to go to the ER it kind of presented you with the opportunity or reasonable "excuse" (not in a bad way) to contact her and open up that communication again....would any of this be right??
Has there been any contact since??
xxxxx