I have this urge to actually call and cancel my ride, that way I can't go and I don't have to spend all weekend thinking about it. Which is dumb, and I should go back and read my posts from about a month ago before I do that. Because the last time I freaked out and decided not to go, even though everyone in my life that I asked for advice told me to go, I cancelled my ride and then had an almost immediate opposite freak out because I then of course felt like I wanted nothing more than to go.

I think if I learned anything then it is that I will kick myself in the butt if I don't go. And I also think I will kick myself in the butt if I DO go, and I have a very real fear that T will kick me in the emotional butt if I go.

I remember at the beginning of our last rupture I was scared to go see T and I called her over the weekend to tell her so. I asked her for some sort of promise that nothing bad will happen to me if I go, and she said it will be ok. Then I showed up and she was mean and interrupted me constantly and yelled and it was pretty much the worst session ever.

so this just occurred to me, as I was contemplating what is it that I'm afraid of? And I realized, it's Ts anger, defensiveness, frustration. In short, her emotions. I am afraid of going in there and having to cope with her emotions. I am not afraid of coping with MINE, but I cannot take on coping with hers and mine and then the new ones that hers trigger in me. If it could just be about me I think I would be ok. How do you ask your therapist to not inflict their emotions on you?