I am moving in 6 weeks. That means 5 more sessions of T because I will be on vacation one of those weeks. And after that, I will be starting over, with a new T, in a new city.

I have been reflecting and realize that each T I see has been a little closer to the T I actually need, a T with experience in my exact difficulties. I started with a lot of different T's who basically just did supportive counseling and didn't know how to help me. Then I saw a T who taught me some CBT skills but inadvertently was very belittling and invalidating. Then I saw a T who rocked (my last T) but who didn't know what to do with my attachment issues and didn't notice my dissociative tendencies. My current T specializes in PTSD and sexual trauma in particular and has been more helpful than any T so far and just totally seems to get my issues.

And NOW she wants me to talk to (and decide if I can afford to see) a world-renowned expert in complex PTSD/dissociation/attachment issues who happens to have a private practice in the city where I will be living. Apparently they know each other and often have met up at conferences AND my T already asked her if she'd be willing to talk with me and see if we can work something out!! I just left her a message.

Okay, it is awesome and I should be really happy that I could maybe see such an expert, right? WELL NO because OMG! What if she belittles my trauma because she's seen a lot worse??? What if I want to be in a frame of mind where I was NEVER traumatized? This like RUINS that because I am already going in with "I am in therapy for trauma" rather than "anxiety" or whatever. What if she is like, oh you are not sick, go away? OR what if she can see right through all my defenses and can just dissect me like a frog in science class?? What if she totally trips up my attachment pattern because she can see it coming, and it's like being kicked out of a moving car, and I might not be able to make it? Or WORSE what if I see her and I trust her that I am ready for trauma processing and then I am NOT ACTUALLY READY and I get kicked out of grad school for losing my freaking mind?????? My thoughts about this are basically out of control and the only thing I've been able to do is look her up EVERYwhere and read all of her bios online and read anything she has written anywhere. So yeah does anyone get where I am coming from on this??