Hey everyone.
I'm a high school girl that's having issues forgetting the past. This is my first time posting a thread so I hope I'm not doing it wrong some how. Sorry if I am or this wasn't worth you reading....
Today I was hanging out with a newer guy friend of mine. He's really sweet and caring but he wants to be more then just friends, and it makes me feel like such a terrible person because I haven't been able to handle a real relationship in a long time. I feel like I can't trust anyone to keep myself from getting hurt again. He kept hugging me and holding me.... He didn't understand why I kept pulling away and didn't want him to touch me. Especially my stomach. I told him I'm just really self conscience but it's so much more then that.... I don't know how much longer people are going to believe that.... And today I almost told him because I want someone to know so badly. I want someone to understand why I am the way I am.
When I was in second grade I started going to a day care called Learning Tree everyday after school. I loved it. I met this girl two grades ahead of me and thought it was the coolest thing in the world that an older girl wanted to be my friend. It was my first year going to a new school so I didn't have very many friends. She was really nice to me and introduced me to two other boys in her grade that went to the day care too. I became part of their group. I didn't talk to anyone else because she got mad when I did, she always wanted me at arms length. But not long after that she started telling me to go into one of the bathroom stalls with her. At first she didn't do very much, she hugged me and sometimes touched my butt. But it slowly started getting worse.... Now everyday she took me into that stall with her. Taking my clothes off and touching me places that I wasn't used to being touched, playing with my panties and asking me to touch her. I didn't want to do it but I was to scared of what she would do if I told anyone, so I didn't. Once I was in third grade she started having the two guys come in too. They started out kissing my body then gradually moved to making me do things to them. With them. Things I haven't done since. One day I told them I didn't want to anymore and almost wet my pants when I saw how mad they were. That night when my mother picked me up, I told her I fell down the stairs. She believed me. The next school year they were gone. Everyday at daycare I would sit by myself, scared to become friends with anyone else. I never went back in that bathroom. It was even worse at school because sometimes I would see the girl in the hallway visiting her old teachers and didn't want her to see me with anyone. The next year my mother made me change schools because she thought I just couldn't make friends.
Years later I found out that the three of them had been held back two years together. They were supposed to be in sixth grade and were sexually abusing a second grader. I often still have nightmares. For a long time my mind blocked the memory but it's recently started to come back in flashbacks like it happened yesterday. I cringe every time someone touches me. Her favorite spot to feel was my stomach. Now whenever someone touches it I unintentionally yell at them to stop and have to hold back tears.
She's still controlling my life years and years later and I don't know how too get past it and be normal for once.... This is the first time I've ever told anyone about what happened, no one knows. No one. Not even my best friend of 4 years.
Does anyone have any advice on what to do? Because the things that I've found that makes me forget for a while I shouldn't be doing. I need help and it's not easy for me to reach out.... Especially like this. Please, anyone. Anything will help even if you think it won't. Please.