Ive never done anything like this before...asking for advice on a website, but i guess im feeling desperate. My situation is kinda a long story so i will try and make it short so you dont have to read much.

Basically My parents split when i was a baby so my mum took us out of the town we were born in and moved my sister and i 8hours away by car from my dad.

my mum struggled with trying to support us. she worked as a secretary most of my childhood, trying to make ends meet. My father had started a new relationship too and i know this stressed and angered my mum, so her temper was quite short with my sister and I.

When i was 13 i was bullied in school by this one boy who managed to make all the other kids against me too. He use to make fun of the shoes i were wearing and the fact i didnt live in a big house..

My temper was out of control and i use to yell at my mum all the time about why we couldnt live in a big house or have friends around...i was never allowed friends over.

My mum got fed up with me and rung my dad to come pick me up and move me in with him. So my dad drove 8 hours to pick me up. my dad was abit more financially secure and lived in a big house with my stepmum. I went to a great school and met 3 of my best friends there. After i finished school i decided to travel around america for a year. after that i returned back to the city in i had lived in with my mum and decided to go to university there. I did 3 years and got a bachelor degree and met an amazing guy. we fell in love and went out for 4 years. We lived together in our own rented house with a pet cat. I began to start feeling bored and lonely during the 3rd year of the relationship. I felt i wasnt hanging out with my friends i met at uni and felt i was getting old too quick..staying home in the weekends at age 22-23 just didnt appeal to me.

I got impatient and had little tolerance towards my partner and would pick at everything he did. In the end i suggested we should move in with some friends to become a bit more sociable and get back into the scene of things. He did not want to do that but i guess i gave him no option. We moved into a flat and went from having our own house to just having a room. Things went down hill from then. The cat hated the new place because it was way to crowded with people and my boyfriend hardly ever wanted to be home. As for me i liked having people around and found myself drinking and smoking more..almost twice a week i would get on the piss.

My boyfriend decided he would go to america and visit his parents who lives there for about a month and a half. because of our relationship situation and the fact we werent getting on anymore we went on a break. While he was gone i started getting textes from a guy who was friends with the people i was living with. This made me happy because i felt that i was still attractive and young and able to get guys still, after being with someone for 4 years. I began to text him back and we started having a texting relationship. We met up a few times too for a couple drinks but never did anything with each other. Because i was having problems with my boyfriend i decided to call it quits with him.

At this time i started seeing the new guy a bit more often. When my Ex returned home from america he immediately moved out. Because of this i couldnt afford to stay in the room because the rent was too high so i decided to put all my belongings in storage and go stay with my dad for a couple weeks because i had no commitments. When i decided to go back i had no place to live so ended up staying with the new guy for a while...infact it was for a month until we decided to rent a house with 4 bedrooms and get 2 other people to live with us and we each have a room each. That way we would still be seeing eachother but not liviing together in one room...so that way we had our own space still.

The new guy seemed to be everything i wanted my ex to be...stubborn, opinionated, stern. My ex was a pisces so he was very emotional and passionate and a real home-body.

But as the months went by i began to miss my ex. i began to miss his kindness and talents and passion for life and i began to miss the way he loved me. I was still in love with him the whole time and i still love him as i write this post.

I had heartache and i would often weep in bed to myself about how my life use to be with our own house and our cat.

It wasnt until april when things started going even more down hill. I found out i was pregnant. The emotions went through my head thinking about how i would be able to cope with this pregnancy, not being able to have any family to help me out in the city i live in...because everyone had moved on and out of the city...I began to think about my ex and how he would feel if he found out...how heart broken he would be..I thought of the friends i use to live with and what they would think about me dumping my boyfriend to hook up with their guy friend and then to be carrying his baby...I began to think about finance...about what my parents would think because they had no idea i had started another relationship...I started to think about my goals in life and how i wouldnt be able to achieve them...and then i started to think about this new guy and if i actually could see myself spending a life with him...I knew i had moved on too fast...physically...but emotionally i wasnt ready as i still thought about my ex and how i longed to take things back to how they were.

I didnt go through with the pregnancy. I thought and thought about it for a few weeks and weighed out the pro and cons and it ended up being the right choice at that time. I regret every moment of it. I hated what i did. I would never want to go through it ever again. I wish i never went through it and i wil never forgive myself for it.

life had continued afterwards but my heartache still remains. It has been a month now since the procedure and i am very depressed. I cant sleep, i cant concentrate, i have a short temper and i am very paronoid and dont trust anyone...i feel regret. huge regret for leaving my first relationship. regret for moving on so fast with someone else. regret for going through the hardest procedure i ever had to do. regret just for all the choices i have made. I wish i could just go back to my old life. back to my ex who i believe is my soul mate, back to the way things use to be and i wish i could know what wouldve happened so i could change things and make things better. I dont feel like this new guy is the one for me. but because we are still living together i am finding it very hard. I am wanting to move out and just have time for myself to just reflect on what has happened to me in the last 8 months.

Im just struggling too because i dont have friends in the city i live in who i can talk to about this. i have spoken to my best friends who still live in the same city as my dad and i am esperate to move back and start all over again but cant do that till the end of the year.

I feel helpless and have self-hatred and just very depressed its affecting everyone around me and my life.

I know i should talk to a councellor, i just wish i was strong enough to sort out an appointment myself. I really wish i ha someone to support me in the same city...the new guy is supportive but it just isnt the same.

Please give me some advice or suggestions. Please.