GUYS. Thank you so. much. You made me consider that other things might be playing into this anxiety. And I am feeling a little more calm about this, maybe.
But here is a thing -- I think a big part of this is that I am scared to leave the T I am seeing now because the things we are talking about are so. Vulnerability inducing. I have kept her at arm's length and now we are ENDING at the same time as we are getting like way closer to the core.
I wrote this, and I think I want to share it with her. But if I share this, then I set myself up for vulnerability and pain when it ends.
Quote:
It was all wrong, the words that got used on Thursday, somehow so far off from the truth, but it was true that the fear is that she would find me disgusting if I were to be my natural self, to remove the tight restrictions that keep me behaving like a relatively normal human being.
She asked how it plays out with her. And I told her about therapy being the center of my world, that I pick my clothes out for the week just so I can decide what to wear to therapy, that I sometimes just walk by her office for comfort. But I didn't say that the only thing that keeps me from feeling engulfed I think is the feeling that she isn't real. It's like how I used to feel when I prayed to God, or when I would imagine that Jesus held me when I cried myself to sleep. Imaginary comfort from some unknown deity. How could I need her desperately when she is an imaginary being in the sky? Who I happen to talk to once a week?
Therapy is a dream and the memories of it are chopped into little fragments of repeated, disembodied sentences. But it is like after a mushroom trip; I can't remember exactly what I experienced, but I have the sense that something internally has been rearranged. And like mushrooms are like a bowl of primordial goo, a wiggly introduction to the senselessness and wonder of all things and the pulse of the earth, therapy is a lake with a still surface like a mirror. I take peeks at just the surface again and again. I wonder if I could swim in its waters, if I might be welcome there. I pretend there is no one else around, so that I can maybe one day stop being so scared to strip off my clothes and dive in.
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