My therapeutic relationship should've been done.

She told me to email if I ever needed anything.
I started feeling depressed again, so I emailed her... One relatively short ramble that made almost no sense. Well, grammatical sense was there, but she didn't get what I was trying to say.
She replied and asked me to repeat it in english (lol, she rocks).
And I froze. I wanted to tell her about the suicidal thoughts... and the giving up....
But just like when I was actually sitting 5 feet away from her, I got uncomfortable, and before I knew it, I was changing what I was saying.
I don't even realise I do it until after.
*sigh* I hate these defenses. I dropped them just in time for her to say she can't really help, because we tried, and tried and got as far as we could in therapy.
Now I've thrown them back up.