Hello...I am new to this forum...having just discovered it about a week ago. I suffered through years of abuse...from the age of three until the age of 15. Hatred is a problem for me. It feels like I have been going on powered by pure hatred for years now. It feels like its all I have. Its such a powerful emotion. But I cannot control it. Even if i did not feel hatred for my abusers...i would still never forgive them. There were horrible acts of perversion and violence that have happened to me that I can never erase from my memories. Smells and certain music trigger me and the flashbacks are so frequent and so real that I feel like its happening to me all over again.
I cant stand to be touched...hello kisses make me crazy...hugs make me stiffen up and shy away. I find it very hard to be around people..and have no respect for men. They scare the hell out of me. So...if you ask me...sometimes...its impossible NOT to hate. I am no saint...and no hypocrite either...i'm not going to pretend to forgive them...or pretend I dont hate them when all I want to do is see them suffer like they made me suffer. I guess I have a long road to recovery. But I dont think therapy will take away my pain. Its just something I live with. But its kind of nice to know I'm not alone with my pain...
thanks for listening
lorieann