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I have been thinking a lot lately about how this thread and the stories would have been received by me not so long ago. I can recall reading similar accounts of overcoming, reintegrating into the world and even recover.
My usual response was often, 'maybe for them but not for me, I am never going to get out of this cycle of craziness.' ‘Nothing I try to do doesn’t work.’ ‘Why them and not me.’ ‘I will never get off this merry-go-round until I die’…. or some version driven by the place of hopelessness and helplessness. I was I thought defeated, falling with no way up.
At its worst I was trapped in my own house, isolated from family and friends for weeks, months even years at a time. I was losing clients like flies, unable to have a conversation without breaking down, unable to get out bed for days, even weeks. Lost in the torture that was my life. I would go on destruction rampages, screaming in emotional pain, self harming, gambling, drugging….. all in an attempt to find some release.
When I was younger I recovered more quickly. I could bounce back quickly enough to return to my highly driven and workaholic lifestyle. Insomnia was welcomed because it meant more time to work. I was feed by people’s admiration of me; my boundless energy, passions, my commitment and determination. I was the go-to person both among friends and family and in the workplace. My achievements were many and my influence great. I seldom if ever turned to anyone for support because I didn't trust anyone enough to let them help me when I fell. I avoided intimate relationships to save men from my neuroticism and the resulting turmoil I would bring into their lives. Only one made it through my walls and he paid a heavy price until the effects of my crazies started to impact his own physical and mental health.
I share this because I suspect there are people reading this thread that might feel the same when they read some of my stories of overcoming. To maybe give people who might think they will never get to experience any form of recovery that there is hope for them too. They are not alone in their suffering and that no matter what life can get better.
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