Quote:
Originally Posted by unhappyguy
Can't Stop Crying - Thanks for your comments. My hobbies have fizzled as I've gotten older. I used to play a lot of tennis and made some friends. But, I've developed chronic elbow and foot injuries and running and jumping are no longer possible on a competitive basis. I've tried swimming (don't like it at all) and will soon try cycling as a new hobby though I can't say I have much enthusiasm for it; it's a hobby by default and is much less social than tennis. I've tried language classes and cooking classes but didn't make any friends even though my skills were decent. I see my MD next week and will request to see a physical therapist about my golfer's elbow condition. I now use the computer mouse with my left hand rather than my right and have re-positioned my keyboard at work so that my right arm is not on my desk as I type. It still has not healed though; lifting weights only seems to re-injure it rather than make it stronger and injury resistant. I continue to walk alot - about 15 miles a week - but my feet cannot take it anymore and I've been in considerable pain. It's a shame because I really like being outdoors. I will have to resort to using an eliptical machine at the gym - so boring; walking to nowhere. I do it all without smiling. In social situations, I have to remind myself to smile. I don't seem to be able to fool anyone. Maybe I don't have a fully formed personality? My inner critical parent is very strong but my efforts to change it have been futile. There's something missing for sure. I've been told to "act as if" but have found it to be useless information - pretending to be someone else makes me feel even more uncomfortable. I can get very panicky in intimate situations which results in poor communication - I can't talk because my mind goes blank or I say the first thing that comes into my head out of desperation; there are so many emotions going at once that I don't know what I'm feeling. I keep trying but I'm running out of ideas. Still, I very much appreciate your support and compassion.
lostmyfuture: You sound like my mother. When I talk of my background, I do so to tell of my life experiences rather than affix blame. I've studied Buddhism and use a lot of compassion towards my mother and the rest of my family. I'm very adult about it. Since my father died young, and all my siblings are younger and mom is basically a child, I'm well acquainted with the role of an adult. I won't date bossy people - why repeat my past? I find some of your comments to be inappropriate.
|
GOD LOVE YOU, Unhappyguy (I'm really starting to like you as a person ((I don't engage in romance any more)). I was relieved and inspired to see that you defended yourself, and articulated it so well. I do think it's difficult to find people who are cordial AND moral AND interesting, and those are the bottom line characteristics that I can't forgo in a relationship (so I'm stuck with some label like this!) - but I think it's very easy for people with high standards to end up feeling we report feeling here. In any event, Rose's advice seems to be very solid - I can start to see how - well, I guess I'm realizing as I'm writing that - it seems to be a "sorting" process, in my experience. I went clothes shopping the other day at sort of an upscale consignment shop - I've developed a way of shopping over the years that works for me and I don't question it. First of all, it's humiliating enough to have to shop there, but it's also in an area of town that's very provincial, and all the women know one another, thery'e EXTREMELY conventional in their lifestyle and mindsets, and they're bored, basically - so they notice everything another person does that's different in any way - and it all blurts out of their mouths and they don't see anything wrong with that happening - I really am convinced that they don't mean anything hurtful by it (it still hurts!). So they didn't say hello when I walked in, and they all talked and talked and kept walking past me and after about 15 minutes they still hadn't acknowledged me as a customer, and I actually felt shunned, but knew enough about the store and the neighborhood that I knew they weren't being mean - just clueless. So I gathered up a big cart of clothes that I try on really fast and I hang them all up when I'm done so as not to inconvenience anyone, and I put them all back nicely on the rack and I'm kind and friendly (when it's really THEIR job to be kind and friendly) so that I'm pretty much triple checked in terms of my own conscience, and I can shop without worrying if I'm doing something inappropriate. So I go to the dressing room, and this woman just runs up to me and said: "Well you have to at least wait for me to give you a number. You can't go in there without a number!" and I looked at her and I said: "Do I look like a person who is going to steal?" and she said: "Oh, they just make us give you numbers" and I realized that she's a volunteer (the place gives scholarships to kids from the profit they make) and she just is no expert at customer service. We talked at length about customer service, and she ended up being very helpful and we ended up having a very nice exchange. So I came back a little later and another volunteer said: "OH - YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE ENORMOUS CART" and I wanted to slap the **** out of her, but I turned on my disciplined thinking, and I said: "Yep - it's the shopping-method I've developed in my old age" and she just couldn't let it go - she had to be sure that I felt criticized - and it's CLEAR to me from listening to people in 12 step meetings that it's just some knee-jerk thing women do - it's been passed on to them thru generations, and they've never stopped to realize it's inappropriate, much less have they bothered to work it out of their behavioral lexicon. So she says: "I'm just really curious - are you shopping for yourself or for a store or something?" I jsut said kindly to her: "Can you see that i'm working very hard here?" and she was very very nice after that. I walked out with $81 worth of clothes - and I was very careful to listen to the total of the women who checked out before me - $200, $120 - and the woman who checked me out said: "You really did get some beautiful stuff". They always say that when I check out - I go about three times a year and I get a bunch of beautiful things for really cheap, and everyone is quietly amazed and probably jealous - but if they would get over their OWN fears and ASK me = I'd be happy to tell them all about the process I use to shop for clothes that took me many years to develop. I'm really beginning to see that relating is all in one's perspective - i can turn the situation around and see that it's really - and it TRULY is - it's not just me fantasizing in my mind by turning the tables - it's almost always that people don't have the social skills to have the slightest clue how hurtful or stupid (sorry - that's mean - but I gotta say it) they are. it's not that I'm inadequate in any way - but it took me DECADES to realize this!