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Without presuming anything about other people’s own suffering, and from a place of compassion and empathy, I thought I would try to identify those key elements that have brought me to this place of increased wellness. I welcome others to do the same.
Professional help - It was 5 years of hell before I finally turned (again) to the professionals for help. They were very short-lived attempts. Abandonment, competency and trust issues made me turn away. Faced with pressure to take meds pushed me away even further. I wanted some form of behaviourcounseling but no counseling was available.
Six months ago I relented again and turned to the professionals. I was desperate but no more optimistic that it would amount to anything. This time was different. I went armed with more knowledge about med therapy. I had found on-line support groups, read enough, researched enough, listened enough to have some understanding of therapeutic options. I knew enough to take charge of any kind of med therapy I might be willing to try. When a pdoc tried to prescribed a cock-tail of meds (one for sleep, one for mood swings, one for depression, one for anxiety etc etc) I declined. If I started to function better how would I know which of all those meds was working. I knew insomnia was a major trigger so I accepted Seroquel for a while and it seemed to work. I went off of it as soon as my sleep was more regulated. It seemed to help settle the racing thoughts that flooded my head whenever I closed my eyes, the flashing lights and pop-up faces became less disturbing.
I had heard good things about Lamotragine from friends here. Even with better sleeps my moods swings were still pulling me all over the place. Lamotrigine was among the list pdocs had recommended so I decided to ask my GP for a script. The side effects at first feed my beliefs that the meds were poisonous.
I am still not convinced it is the meds that have turned anything around and almost daily I am tempted to drop it. The fear of meds and their long term effects still scares the bejebbers out of me but I am better. I have to recognize that and stick to the plan. I hope I can drop it someday but not anytime soon. When the GP messed up by jumping from 100mgs to 200mgs obviously too incompetent to know it must be increased in 25mg increments 2 weeks apart. I knew that but somehow let it happen just the same. The side effects were horrendous!! I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I thought I was developing dementia. My cognitive abilities were severely affected. The symptoms finally settled after a couple of weeks but my confidence in the GP who was my only source of meds went down the toilet. He will not mess with me again. I am in charge now.
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