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Taking Charge
Filling the bag of symptom response techniques took time. It took persistence, it took faith I couldn’t see let alone believe. I was increasingly desperate for something that would help me turn things around. A few months ago things were so bad that I was forced to go on social assistance, apply for disability assistance to avoid the job search requirements. I was at high risk of losing my house. My truck was due to die (sorry for my lack of faith ol’ blue). I had accumulated a credit card debt in the double digits and say no light at the end of the tunnel. I still couldn’t work… I went to interviews but nothing came of it. It was humiliating because I had never not been selected for any job I went after. I couldn’t socialize, I couldn’t cope with load or sudden sounds, I was haunted by noises in my head and flashings and sometimes disturbing images in my head. The anxiety and other symptoms were still too controlling. The meds seemed to ease the severity and length of the symptom control but not enough to think I could reengage in life.
I have since reengaged. I am working, I am off assistance, I am managing and coping with symptoms that while present and persistent have less and less of a hold on me. While there are still days when I fall and I either start to recent the need for my bag of counter-attacks or I think my good days were just a pause in the cycling.
What pulls me back to level is the fact that I have since experienced the effectiveness of those things I have in my bag of overcoming techniques. My accumulation of positive effects is now collecting in a bag of victories I carry around with my bag of tricks.
Most significant among the changes in how I approach symptom activity is my attention to my wellness – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I pay attention to my body language, my breathing, my pace, my thinking etc etc. I notice when things go off-balance and I act quickly to prevent a symptom from pushing me off the rails. I am in charge and I can effect change in how tightly, how debilitating, how extreme a symptom breakout will get. I am and can continue to be the one in charge.
Each day is a new day. Some days are easy and some days are beyond hard but I have my own evidence now. I am not defenseless anymore.
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