You are not alone, Rainbow.
I have no idea, really. I don't even really know. I have been on probably 5 or 6 different medications in the past week or so, had a number of doctor visits and ER trips, had procedures done that I can't even really let myself think about. I don't use that as an excuse, but as a contributing factor. I don't know what's going on with me and I don't know how much of what I think is going on between T and I is really just in my head.

I mean, I know which interactions we've had that were real vs the imaginary conversations I have with her in my head all the time, I just don't know if I'm reacting to things she has actually said or done or if I'm reacting to my PERCEPTION of what she has said or done. Does that even make sense? bah.

I agree that my feelings of anger last night, especially that transient urge to physically hurt T, show that I have a lot of big unresolved feelings. I still feel angry toward her today, a little, but mostly hurt and definitely don't have that urge to punch her in the face, lol.

One thing that is really confusing to me is that T is so SO adamant that I should continue therapy. If you read her messages I posted in my other threads, you can see that. She is absolute in her insistence that I should continue therapy and "work through this stuff."

For me, it is far less black and white. I don't think there is a right or wrong here, and I am working really hard at sorting out what is going to be best for me. Not what will make me feel best in the moment, not what will help me save face, not what will help me not feel abandoned, but what is TRUE for me. That is really, really hard. I appreciate all the feedback I get here about this, and I weigh all those other points of view with my own. But when T is so incredibly firm that I NEED TO continue therapy (with her, not just continue therapy, but continue seeing her), it brings up a lot of self doubt and second-guessing what might have seemed like a very strong decision on my part.